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411’s MMA Soup 07.19.10: Swear Words & Boobie Traps Posted by Todd Bergman on 07.19.2010

Gina Carano battles Logan Stanton in Tap That, DREAM, Sonnen, Andy Silva, Bautista, and Strikeforce are among the countless ingredients this week, plus a What If discussion of the UFC holding an Open Weight GP!

In a world of roided-out douche bags who wear tin foil t-shirts and have awful tattoos, I, Todd Bergman, have stepped forward to point out the comedy and un-funny moments of the week. The name of the column is horribly unoriginal and the attempts at humor will be ill-advised and often not funny. So don’t take too much serious here and just sit back and enjoy the week that was MMA here on 411mania.com.

-The week started off with the future President of the United States of America in Chael Sonnen talking about his love interest Anderson Silva.

“I’m here because I beat up everybody who got in my way. I beat every champion there’s ever been except one and I’ve stuck my finger in his chest for four years and he wouldn’t fight me. He fought a one-legged Canadian, a math teacher from Ohio and a bunch of guys who weren’t even good enough to hold their spot in the company. His running is done, his 15 minutes of fame are up and I’m gonna bring it to an abrupt halt. Anderson Silva’s hurt a lot of people. A couple of those guys are my friends — and I don’t have a lot of friends. That bothers me a lot. It’s a payback thing, absolutely. Let’s get rid of this guy. Anderson Silva’s really the nuisance, he’s truly the problem, we’ve all had it with him. There’s one guy that wants to fight him and there’s one guy with the skills to beat him.”

I’ve said it once and I will say it again. Chael Sonnen is single handily selling this show all by himself. I mean, I’m not spending a dollar on it but I look forward to watching it the day or so afterwards. The part about Sonnen beating every champion there’s ever been except one is tremendous work because I’m pretty sure that Fedor’s management company is trying to set up the fight as well speak. Anyway, good stuff here as usual from Sonnen and I’m sure that Rich Franklin and his protractor will be waiting for Sonnen post fight. BTW, does anyone remember that stupid ass Franklin Xyience commercial. Well, I couldn’t find that one but I did find an awful Tim Sylvia one though.

-Fresh off of his defeat of Crusher, Shinya Aoki told all of the American fans and Gil Melendez that he’s for real. Well at least that’s what the translator told us.

“When I caught (Kawajiri) and tried to submit him, I heard a loud crackle sound. He did not tap so I thought ‘Ok, this match just became a death-fight’ and I was going to destroy his leg. I knew Kawajiri never taps so I could not win without breaking his bone. I was hoping for an open-fracture. No one could have endured [that submission] like Kawajiri. His heart is iron. [I told him] ‘I could show you 100% but I chose not to because I respect you. Thank you for this fight.’ After I lost (to Gilbert Melendez), many people blamed me, but [my fiance] helped me through it all. The people who mocked me in my fight versus Melendez, I wanted to kill them all. Even in this fight, too many people said ‘Kawajiri would win!’. I felt like telling these people ‘Go to hell!’.”

All I have to say to Aoki is win a significant fight in America and then we will talk. Gilbert would be stupid to take this fight over a showdown with Alvarez. I know that Alvarez lost to Aoki in Japan but the casual American audience wants to see two Americans fight and not some dude who tried to butt scoot his way towards an ass beating a few months ago. Sorry but the inner muscle shirt wearing American douche bag just came out of me.

Monday 411 Links

MMA SOUP said eff’ Mencia Junkies last week.

Lambert was compared to a hyperactive 4 year old. Which when you think about it, that’s reasonable.

-”Spider” Silva answered the call of Sonnen and responded to what “White Wig” Sonnen has been saying lately.

“Chael, as a fighter, is a good politician. He thinks he knows something, but on the day of the fight, when we are all alone in there, he’ll have his chance. Once again, he’s saying crap. What he’s saying is disrespecting me, he’s disrespecting me and all opponents I’ve faced. Dan Henderson, in my opinion, is the best wrestler that there is out there on MMA … I’ll keep doing my job the same way I’ve always done. I’ll do a good fight, as I always do, I’ll try to show my technical superiority.”

I wonder if Silva answered this in English or in Portuguese? I can only imagine the hilarity if Silva just started speaking English all of a sudden. Sonnen is clearly trying for the “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan crowd and that’s fine because most of the meat head MMA fans will go for that. I only have a problem with one thing in Silva’s statement here. Henderson isn’t the best wrestler in MMA. Obviously his fights with Rampage, and Jake Shields shows that. I also think that Brock Lesnar might be the best wrestler or at least the most effective based on his style.

-People seem to be hating on the UFC signing Mark Hunt or as Dana White said, allow Mark Hunt to fill out his remaining fights. The smart websites seem to think that Mark Hunt will have trouble cutting weight to the 265lbs mark. Well, he might but what the “smart websites” don’t understand is that his opponent Sean McCorkle is a fat dude as well who usually fights around 300lbs. Since I mentioned that here, I’m sure that it will be stolen and reported by sources within the UFC or whatever those guys are saying now-a-days when they steal things. Anyway, this fight is going to be a train wreck that involves a KO and 2 minutes and 35 seconds worth of cardio. Here’s to hoping that Hunt busts out the atomic butt drop again though.

Wandy, tell me how my ass tastes!!

-Anderson Silva and Chael Sonnen came face to face sort of on this day. For all of his trash talk, Chael sure did have some fast feet.

Tuesday 411 Links

411 Light Heavyweight Rankings were presented and were didn’t change too much from the last time that they were posted.

Scotty K. broke down Strikeforce and how he would change it. Lambert & I are already trying to improve the marketing side of the company so get in line buddy. I’m doing my 5 logic reasons why I hate Strikeforce below.

Plunkett criticized throwaway PPV cards. I believe that I will be attending one in UFC 119 in Indianapolis.

-Scott Coker started the day off with more continued talk of Bautista taking on Lashley on PPV.

Strikeforce has a hard enough time trying to get people to watch their shows as it is, so I really don’t understand why they would go the route of PPV. I don’t even care if Fedor or Werdum is fighting ‘Reem in the Main Event, it won’t be worth it. If anything this is a CBS show (at best) but it’s an embarrassment to say the least. From what I’m told, Bautista has some sort of Muay Thai background even though it’s never been stated outside of some gay men’s publication. If the fight happens, I’ve got Lashley winning via 1st Round TKO because Bautista is going to gas pretty hard after the first couple of minutes. So long Strikeforce, you were a pimple on the ass of the world of MMA.

-Notorious fat dude Butterbean criticized Mariusz Pudizanowski.

“I know he allegedly broke his foot in the fight against Sylvia, but he didn’t show anything before he quit. Pudzianowski has no stand-up and as strong as he is, he punches like a girl. All he does is throw arm punches. He needs a lot of help. He’s the 5-time World’s Strongest Man but hits like a 130-pounder, not a strong man who weighs 270 pounds. He doesn’t have the skill level to get to the level he wants to fight. Once he gets a stand-up game you can’t have a ground game working without one he could be a force in MMA. He still needs some work on his ground game, too. We all know he’s very strong but that’s not enough at the highest level of MMA. I don’t know who has been coaching him but that trainer should be fired. Pudzianowski needs to prove himself, showing he has a good stand-up game by beating a good MMA fighter, before he gets another big fight like a spot on the October 9 show.”

I’m sure that Mariusz is really kicking himself given that fat ass Butterbean is giving him advice on training and such. Granted Bart Gunn & Zulu might actually be tougher then Tim Sylvia, I really think that Butterbean needs to keep his mouth shut and continue running mediocre shows on the East Coast. Here’s some video of Butterbean during his glory days.

Butterbean the WWE killer

-Chris Leben came out and proclaimed what he wants in his UFC future.

“[Coaching TUF] would absolutely be huge for me. I mean, I am a coach, that’s what I do. I have my own gym with a whole group of guys that I train. I’d love the opportunity to get on TV and really showcase my skills and let the world see. I’ve changed quite a bit from the first season from that cocky, punk kid. I’m a mixed martial artists and I’m a fantastic coach. Besides that opportunity, Wanderlei Silva is my favorite fighter. By coming up and watching him and watching the wars that he’s fought, I absolutely love the guy and I’d like to think I somewhat model my fighting style after his. Who doesn’t want to go out and take out their hero?”

I’m actually all for this match up on the show. I know that the guys from SPIKE will more then likely want to place two coaches that hate each other but I will like to see these guys coaching former UFC fighters trying to make a comeback. If you look at the talent pool that the TUF series is pulling, it’s getting rather light to say the least. While the last time the UFC ran a comeback style series, it wasn’t as successful in the ratings but produced the title win of Matt Serra and the controversy of Travis Lutter. As for the weight classes that I would like to see featured on the show, you might as well go with Lightweights & Welterweights. As usual, I’m curious as to what all of you think about the idea that I produced here.

Wednesday 411 Links

Fact or Fictionfeatured “Cowboy” Bill Wannop & Jeff Harris. While the line up lacked the star power of T-Berg, Csonka, or even the “Pale-Faced Assassin” Dustin James, FOF wasn’t too shabby. I agree with the decision to give Harris the decision but it’s of the Split variety.

King Solomon is hated in Cleveland but then again, who the hell gives a crap about Cleveland.

-Early Thursday morning, Bellator got word out that they had booked the first match up in their Women’s Tournament. She’s not so easy on the eyes but Megumi Fujii is a legit bad ass and this is one of the best HL reels that I have ever seen.

EPIC stuff here

-Roy Nelson came out and said that he was being forced to fight JDS. From what I understand Roy will be paid in delicious cheeseburgers for this fight as per his pre fight requests. Other sources close to the situation claim that the Hamburglar & Grimace have actually kidnapped Nelson’s wife. The sources also claim that their reasoning for the kidnapping is due to Nelson’s constant hazing of the two at the local area McDonalds.

10’s & 20’s Big Country

-Scott Smith and his trainers think that Cung Le should give Smith a rematch.

“I just sent a text message to Scott Coker today cause I keep hearing about this tournament. I sent him a text message today and I said we want in that tournament. There will be a third Cung Le fight. Cung owes it to us. We didn’t have to take this last fight. There was nothing for Scott to gain, nothing. It was only a (losing situation). The fans will want to see it again because for one thing, neither fight was boring.”

I’m usually against bullshit trilogies that don’t deserve rematches but since Cung doesn’t want to take any serious fights and Smith wouldn’t cut it against top competition either, I’m down for this. Why not just make it best of 7 in the end. I say that Cung takes it 4-1.

Thursday 411 Links

Lord Csonka and fellow 411′ers compiled a list of MMA’s Top 5 Upsets of All Time.

-The War On The Mainland poster was released to the masses. Lambert is naturally excited about this and will tweet his love very soon. Jason High will tweet about stealing this on the internet.

What a shit-tastic poster here

What’s more shocking is that Jens Pulver is still trying to fight when he should’ve hung up his gloves after the first Faber fight. It’s truly sad to see someone like Pulver continue to abuse his body and career by refusing to just go into the light and become something other then a fighter. I know that the WEC offered him a spot as an announcer and he turned it down. Maybe if Pulver is lucky enough to win this fight, he will quietly go out with a victory. By the way, just putting this out there but no way is Jens Pulver UFC Hall of Fame worthy.

-The DREAM & K-1 promotion declared war on the WWE and the UFC?

“This is a declaration of war against the WWE and UFC. From Asia, we will take the world. Mr. Ishii is completely supporting us. We won’t stand a chance in the American market so we will spread to the rest of the world. When K-1 and PRIDE were competing against each other, 80-percent of the martial arts market was in Japan. It is now the opposite and Japan is only 20-percent. We were worried that Japan would be left behind if we let this continue, it is unacceptable. We needed to change our business model. We’ve let Dana White get a lead on us. Before (Shinya) Aoki beats (Gilbert) Melendez, we must win as promoters.”

I’m not really sure what to make of this “declaration” but there is no way that DREAM will be able to rekindle what PRIDE had. Maybe it was the illegal funding of the Mafia or just the mystique that PRIDE had but DREAM is far from reaching that. Also, no way that Aoki beats Melendez ever. There’s no reason for a rematch either and this constant talk from Japan of trying to goat Gil into this is stupid. Melendez vs. Alvarez is a great match up for the fall CBS show. I said it last week and will say sit again this week, no casual MMA fan wants to see the Japanese guy who got his ass beat on CBS again.

-Hey everybody look, it’s a bunch of MMA guys talking in subtitles.

-Jake Shields finally signed with the UFC. My sources say that the deciding factor was the UFC’s overall dental plan.

Friday 411 Links

411s “Living Legend” Dustin James mentioned the Top 10 Fighters that the UFC should cut. I’m going to take the high road and say that Dustin did a decent job here. I think that Dustin took a big enough beating in his comments section even though 90% of the people who bitched about his list think that MMA started in 2005.

Matt Welch mentioned something about GSP and retiring. I hear that after his career is over, GSP is going to be the lead spokesman for Vaseline.

Samer Kadi made another Friday appearance.

-Word came out on Saturday afternoon that Shine Fights still hasn’t paid some Chute Boxe fighters among others. Basically without getting into it, some scumbag lied to a bunch of hard working fighters and still hasn’t paid them what they earned. The only difference in this situation is that everyone hates Devin Price for it but has a soft spot in their hearts for what Paul Heyman did. Anyway, RIP Shine Fights, you tried and failed much like 30,000 other backwoods MMA promotions.

-Cain Velasquez is saying the same things that Shane Carwin was saying leading up to his bout with Brock Lesnar.

“… the referee isn’t going to be quick to stop the fight…. I can’t just stand there in front of him with no movement and let him explode for a double [-leg takedown]…. The wrestling is going to be a big part of it. He’s primarily a wrestler and I come from a wrestling background. But the fight will come down to everything. I expect there will be boxing, jiu-jitsu, kickboxing and wrestling…. [But] I’m going to have to follow the game plan to perfection.”

This is a pretty vanilla quote from the guy who looks like the Mexican version of the Dad on American Dad. I’m really hoping that they title this event UFC 121: Battle of Terrible Chest Tattoo’s. Lesnar has some sort of knife/penis combo and Cain has some quasi-racist stuff that Tupac said in “Live & Die in LA.” written on his chest. I’m really hoping that all of you don’t debate the logic of these tattoo’s because after all these dudes get punched in the face for a living.

-Ken Shamrock said something about not wanting to be the face of steroids in MMA. Well, I believe that would be awarded to GSP. I’m kidding, well not really but what do you care?

I’m giving Douche of the Week a little vacation here and instead of I’m going to play a little fantasy match maker and fortune teller. The concept of “What If” is simply what the name states. Whether it’s going back in time and play out different scenario’s or just throwing random ideas together, I’m going to let you all break down what you think would happen and go from there. So, this week, I’m going with the idea of an Open Weight GP in the UFC. It’s pretty much fair game but I need 16 UFC fighters with at least one guy from each weight class represented. Once the list is compiled, next week, I will present all of you with the match ups and see who you think would win the first round showdowns and we will continue on from there. Just as a reference point, I’m going to all of you, the 16 that I would like to see entered. This of course is in no particular order.

Heavyweight-Brock LesnarHeavyweight-Cain VelasquezHeavyweight-Shane Carwin

Light Heavyweight-Shogun RuaLight Heavyweight-Lyoto MachidaLight Heavyweight-Rashad EvansLight Heavyweight-Jon Jones

Middleweight-Anderson SilvaMiddleweight-Vitor BelfortMiddleweight-Chael Sonnen

Welterweight-Georges St. PierreWelterweight-Jake ShieldsWelterweight-Jon Fitch

Lightweight-Frankie EdgarLightweight-BJ PennLightweight-Kenny Florian

Again, I want to state that the people making up this tournament will be decided on who you want included. If you like my list, then just mention that but if you think that I snubbed someone then mention them below.

Brad loves The Soup: “Unless Lesnar makes some sort of action flick, I doubt that he will be hosting RAW. I would actually prefer to see Lesnar opposite Megan Fox in a drama love story in which Fox is a former porn queen who just found out that she has terminal cancer and only has one year to live. In that year, she finds out that she’s been selfish and judgmental and falls in love with Lesnar, who is a semi-retarded trash man. I haven’t thought of a name but I’m thinking that “Cum-Dumpster” is probably the way that I’m going to go.”

Funny, funny stuff. I bow to you Mr Bergman.

I bow to you loyal reader.Jeff Harris loves him some Soup: Man this has got to be one of the most entertaining reads every week even though I generally disagree with about half of it. Well done yet again tberg. I vote for Natasha.

Well now you know the feeling my friend. I’m kidding, well that Wes Sims interview was brutal though.

tony danza wonders: Who would win in a fight…gsp or frank dux from bloodsport?

Obviously Frank by blinding palm thrust to GSP’s stomach. By the way, your talk show ruled dude!

Mae isnt young: Wrestling and mma are pretty similar. They both have ppv’s once a month, have fighters come out to entrances, have titles, have buildups to their matches. The thing is that mma is the natural progression from wrestling. How cool is it that we get the excitement and entrances of pro wrestling, BUT THEY ARE ACTUALLY FIGHTING FOR REAL

You know what else is similar? Transformers & Transmorphers.

Sean is coming out: Bergman, pick up a back-issue of “Muscle & Fitness,” or search You Tube. It isn’t a highly competitive background, but Batista does have a muay-thai background for a base. So saying “zero” athletic background is somewhat of a stretch. I would agree his age and injury-prone nature are the much BIGGER limiting factor.

Speaking of stretching. I would love to see Bautista actually stretch and not injure himself.

SedlockIHCC brought his A-Game: great column as usual Berg and for Tap That btw my vote is Arianny

I have to disagree with you however when you say Condit should be 1-2 in the UFC..when in reality I truly believe he should be 3-0.

The grappling in the first round of the KAmpmann fight was pretty even and Kampmann looked damn good but Condit punished him a bit and bloodied it up so I gave him the round. Condit landed some really crisp combos in the second and that snap kick rocked Kampmann good, he also took him down twice and almost tapped him so I gave Condit the second round too. Kampmann definitely took the third though and finished the strongest which is why I think some judges scored it for Kampmann, that and it was a VERY close fight, although I did have it 29-28 Condit myself

I think that Ellenberger definitely won the first round but it was only a 10-9 IMO as Condit did fight back enough (even getting mount). Condit spent some time on his back in the second but did get the mount and almost a submission so I gave it to Condit for agression and the times when he was looking to finish the fight. The third round was I think very easily Condit’s round as Ellenberger looked pretty gassed and didnt put up too much of a fight, therefore I gave it to Condit 29-28.

He looked like he had some serious question marks surrounding him in the MacDonald fight sure but then again he did come back and proceed to brutalize MacDonald in the third round en route to what I believe was a deserved stoppage

I just think that Condit needs some serious takedown D and I think that his ground game, granite chin and great striking could turn him into a serious contender, can’t wait for the Hardy fight (who’s also one of my faves) so we get some more perspective

Listen, I’m not even going to argue or anything because you proved your point and actually thought out a comment. As a rarity within MMA you should be caged and forced to procreate with Gina Carano 4 times an hour.

TylerV is cool to the 5th power: Terrific article man. I enjoy reading it every week. I agreed with everything you said. The Lesnar-Megan Fox movie idea made me ROFL. Cum-Dumpster tehe. Have you seen her toe thumbs? disgusting. of course it wouldn’t stop me or any guy from smashing her.

On the “What if?” topic. An obvious suggestion is- “What if Fedor signed with the UFC?”

others that pop in my head are: What if:-Frank Mir never got in his accident?-BJ Penn didn’t sign with K-1 in 2004?-Travis Lutter wasn’t such a douche and make weight for a championship fight and finish Silva when he could of?

I hate that toe thumb so much dude, it gives me nightmares to say the least. However, it’s like driving a mustang with a dent in it. You have given me some solid ideas my friend and we will see what happens with them in the future. Right now, I want to see your 16 UFC fighters that you want to see in an Open Weight GP.

Tap That

Arianny beat some serious ass last week. This week, it’s Gina Carano vs. Logan Stanton. Remember, this is a two week competition so continue with your comments on who you think should win below.

Thanks for checking out the article everyone. Make sure to have your voice heard on the What If situation and Tap That. I will return next week with a look at the week in review and all of the hilarity that all of you enjoy. Remember to support your local MMA and keep your tapping hand strong.

Post Comment (25)  |  Email Todd Bergman  |  View Todd Bergman’s 411 Profile

  Superb article as always. Never disappoints.

Really cool to see you acknowledge your readers comments (especially mine)

Open Weight GP in the UFC:Agree with it all accept- Put in Dos Santos. Also consider putting Thiago Alves in over Fitch.

I know Fitch beat him but I see Alves in more interesting match ups since its Open Weight- given his body type and skill set. (the dude walks around at what? 210 lbs?) has deadly Muy Thai. I would like to see Vitor vs. Alves. Or see Fitch vs. Sonnen to see who could grind out who. Just a thought.

As for the Tap That section. Gotta go with Gina. Im a tit man. When you have to wear more than one sports bra to keep those puppies in, Im hooked. & that one .gif of her biting her lip gets me every time.

Also- googled imaged Logan Stanton. In related articles it said Logan Stanton pinky clicked. Her pinky is messed up. Im starting to see a pattern. But to make fun of that would be cruel. Shes still sexy. Its not like toe thumbs. Anyways, Ive never seen anyones back bend at an angel like hers. It looks like a greater than symbol > which would be appropriate cause Gina is greater than Logan.

Posted By: TylerV (Guest)  on July 21, 2010 at 02:18 AM

 

<a href="http://www.411mania.com/MMA/columns/145939/411%5C%5Cs-MMA-Soup-07.19.10:-Swear-Words-&-Boobie-Traps.htmtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=http://www.411mania.com/MMA/columns/145939/411\s-MMA-Soup-07.19.10:-Swear-Words-”>411's MMA Soup 07.19.10: Swear Words & Boobie Traps